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14 June 2009 @ 05:52 pm
Lions and Tigers and DIVORCE... oh my!  
I am in the process of filing for divorce. The marriage is over, I just need the piece of paper to prove it. It's going to get out at church at any moment now... there will be some in my ward that will be okay with it, but some are gonna really have an issue with this. For all you divorced people out there, how'd you deal with the prying questions, the judgement, the snide remarks, etc.? There is one particular person I know who is going to make a big deal about it and probably bear testimony about it one Sunday and I know that nothing I do will prevent that, but what about the rest of my ward? How was it like for you when you went through your divorce?

Another question? When did you start going to singles events, singles FHE, etc.? I'm thinking I should wait until the divorce is final, but if it goes as slowly as my mom's divorce did, I'll be waiting a looong time. 
 
 
 
lady_quadresslady_quadress on June 15th, 2009 08:05 am (UTC)
When my brother-in law's father got divorced he waited a year before he started going to the singles events. He said that you really need to wait a year because during that year you are busy filing papers,dealing with the court and plus it gives your kids a little more time to adjust to the fact that you are single again.

As for the remarks people are going to make remarks no mater what that is just human nature. I can't tell you how to deal with it or what to do because every person reacts differently. I hope I was of some help to you and *HUGS*
meeblog on June 15th, 2009 03:56 pm (UTC)
I feel like I'm personally ready, our marriage was over a long time before we decided to make it official and I am looking forward to getting my life back. We have no children so that helps. But you're right, I'll be very busy with courts and paperwork!

So far, there haven't been any comments yet, but I'm thinking there will be. When they come, I'll have to remember that... just human nature. That'll help me not to be offended.
Mavik Felna: Familymavikfelna on June 15th, 2009 05:09 pm (UTC)
Being twice divorced is very much a pain in regards to the church. And being remarried again it's even more... akward I suppose. Not least because I was sealed to my first wife, but my second wife is still attached to my records for some reason so they keep calling my wife by my ex-wife's name.

To be honest though, it doesn't really bother me personally. If they can't move on, the problem is with them, not me. The real issue is my wife. She's half my age and my oldest son is only a few years younger than her so she's gotten alot of mean spirited flack and she's so uncomfortable she won't attend church any longer. This has kept me from trying to get back into full fellowship and until we move somewhere else I don't know that I can get back into church. Certainly not without causing my wife more anxiety than she deserves.

Mostly, just try and roll with the comments and do your best to keep up your personal relationship with Heavenly Father.

--Mav
meeblog on June 15th, 2009 06:54 pm (UTC)
Wow... you've had it tough with your divorces. I wonder why they haven't straightened out your records so that way your new wife can at least get called by her own name!?! It does sound like it's time to move to a new ward. Maybe another Bishop would work harder to get that straightened out for you than the one you've got now.

I know with my marriage troubles, all Bishops have not been created equal. My last Bishop told me that I was as worthy as my husband and that when my husband is ready to go to the temple, then I'll be able to go. I moved wards and got my recommend super quickly with the new Bishop. He has no qualms with seeing me as a separate person from my husband.
redhippydippymama on June 16th, 2009 06:41 am (UTC)
*waves* I'm his wife. =)

Mostly, we just have the worst ward in the history of eternity. Them being jerks to me for not good reason is the tip of the iceberg of crappy things they've done.
meeblog on June 16th, 2009 03:08 pm (UTC)
Hi wife!! ::waves::

It does sound like a crappy ward. Come move over to mine. Mostly they're cool... except for this one lady who likes to bear testimony of other people's problems.
Kay McIntoshkaygreyhelm on June 15th, 2009 06:40 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry about your divorce. And prior comments are correct--people are stupid, and people are people.

I have an acquaintance who is my age (21) who just got remarried. She went off to BYU after high school and got married and the marriage imploded. Most people from my old community in AZ don't know why except that she has mentioned her ex turned out to be a douche. That's about it. I personally think that whatever happened is none of my business and I hope that she has found happiness with her new husband. I have a friend, however, who knows as little as I do about the situation who said to me, "Did you hear [so-and-so] is engaged?! Can you believe it!? If I were her fiance, I would run for my life. I can't believe she got divorced and is getting married AGAIN."

So... yeah. It's sad, but people are going to make their judgments, but what's going on is between you and the Lord. You know, if you were like my cousin and wanted to walk on your marriage because you're bored with it, then that's one thing... but just hang in there. Lemme know if you want to talk.
meeblog on June 15th, 2009 06:57 pm (UTC)
"Did you hear [so-and-so] is engaged?! Can you believe it!? If I were her fiance, I would run for my life. I can't believe she got divorced and is getting married AGAIN."

I'm worried about hearing comments like that one. I'm only 25, so I'll head back on over to the singles ward. When I get there, I don't want to be seen as damaged goods since my first marriage failed.
Kay McIntoshkaygreyhelm on June 15th, 2009 08:08 pm (UTC)
I know you may have heard this before, but it's true--anyone who would actually think that is not worth your time anyway.
meeblog on June 15th, 2009 08:27 pm (UTC)
Good point! I hadn't thought of that! Thanks.
(Deleted comment)
meeblog on June 16th, 2009 10:45 pm (UTC)
"I'm not the normal kind of single"

haha that cracks me up!

Lemme know what your Bishop says and how it all goes... that way I'll know a little bit more about what to expect!

Kay McIntoshkaygreyhelm on September 24th, 2009 04:09 am (UTC)
Oh, papilia, I am so sorry you guys are splitting up. I was just in SLC last weekend and was thinking about you. I hope things work up and this will be a new positive beginning for you. You're in my thoughts!
Yawnk: big lovesavannahjan on June 16th, 2009 03:39 am (UTC)
Apparently, I'm an odd case. I was inactive in the ward my now ex and I lived in. But when I came to my home ward after the divorce, all I got was love and compassion. I have no doubt some people discussed me on their own, but in terms of how I was treated, everyone treated me wonderful. They actually didn't say much. When I'd say I was divorced, they'd say they were sorry and then say they hoped I'd be ok. Stuff like that.

I didn't do singles stuff until the divorce was final. Even though the marriage had been over for so long in terms of the emotion and such, it just seemed like the right thing to do to wait until it was final.
meeblog on June 16th, 2009 03:02 pm (UTC)
I'm glad to hear about good experiences in the church after divorce. I hope that everything will be okay for me in my ward.

I agree with you about waiting until the divorce is final. It feels strange to me to be out there in the singles events while still officially married.

And, I imagine, it wouldn't make it easy on the ward clerk if I, while still married, tried to move my records to a singles ward : )
she-Rah!: dryadmissraederle on June 18th, 2009 03:31 am (UTC)
attending singles ward
i didnt really notice if anyone had addressed this part of your question, if so my apologies!

i was divorced many years ago (like 8 now) and we lived in different states for several months before it was finalized (i was also somewhat inactive til then too). when i began to re-activate, i tried going to the singles ward with a friend. i went to the bishop to see if he could direct me to some legal help for my divorce. when he found out that i was married he pretty much said 'dont come back til youre single'. i have spoken to another bishop about it since then, and he said it is church policy to only allow truly single members to attend singles wards. probably because there have been problems with people lying about being single, etc, etc.
meeblog on June 22nd, 2009 03:48 am (UTC)
Re: attending singles ward
Yah, I can imagine there'd be dishonest people trying to meet singles. Also, what if someone went after deciding to get a divorce but before it was final and then ended up getting back with their spouse? That'd be kinda weird.
gottheconch on July 2nd, 2009 04:11 pm (UTC)
I am also in processing of a divorce after 5 years of marriage.

I would just tell people in general that you don't need advice, that you need a friend.

Its hell. Pure and simple. I haven't been separated for long (1 month+), but it does make it easier to have lots of close friends.

Staying active has helped me.

I already started attending the singles wards,(though have stopped) if not just to find friends and not a rebound relationship.